i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
