we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize