ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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