New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Randomize
