The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
