i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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