That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
