i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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