Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
