Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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