the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
