Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize