rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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