Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
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