Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Randomize
