things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
