Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
