dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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