If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
