This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
