If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
