Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
