So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
