am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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