The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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