Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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