my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
