I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize