Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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