seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
