omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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