Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize