her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
