gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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