I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize