dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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