thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She told me I should be a condom model.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
