I puked a lego.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
How naked do you want me to be?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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