the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize