Your face is a jimmy john
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
