everyone is single if you try hard enough
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
