I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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