is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Randomize
