Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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