I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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