so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
