WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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