I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
