People with herpes should wear stickers.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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