my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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