i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
