The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
