random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
where are you?
Hypothermia
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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