so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
