i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
