I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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