If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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