wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
