I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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