My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
